![]() ![]() "I wanted him to do the dishes."īoth agree that, at least at first, their exploration of erotic dominance and submission-Elizabeth's dominance, Robert's submission-was about Robert's desire to submit. ![]() "What I really wanted was a submissive to do the fucking laundry," she says. "At first I was like, 'Okay, I will be dominant in the bedroom if you will be submissive in other areas of our lives,'" says Elizabeth. (Robert and Elizabeth are monogamous.) So they made it up as they went along. ![]() Most of the classes seemed to be geared toward locating and negotiating with new partners, not introducing erotic power exchange into an established relationship. And while the trajectory of Elizabeth and Robert's love story isn't as simple as this recap is making it sound-it wasn't a perfectly smooth transition from vanilla marriage with conflict to Femdom marriage without conflict-they are happier today than they have ever been, and they wish they had discovered the Femdom model sooner.Įlizabeth and Robert did attend some classes at the Center for Sex Positive Culture when they first began exploring BDSM, but they weren't interested in the trappings of BDSM-the chains, the fetish gear, the parties-nor were they interested in playing with others. "He wanted to be penetrated, and I didn't want to feel like the only way for me to have power in this marriage was to pretend to have a cock. "I remember it differently," says Elizabeth, cutting Robert off. "I was wandering around the internet and found these stories about chastity, about men whose wives kept their husband's cocks locked up in cages, and that was the thing that first-" "My opening was actually chastity," says Robert. And I was like, 'There's no way I'm using a dildo on you.'" "And that's when Robert started coming to me with these crazy ideas. "We had to find a way to grow together or we were going to grow apart," says Elizabeth. It was at this stage that they began to radically reinvent their marriage. And then he went away on a weeklong hike and came back and said, 'I hate my life.'" "I went away for a few days and came back feeling really rejuvenated, excited to see Robert. "Our marriage was never truly on the rocks," says Robert. Married eight years, the sexual conflict that had always been a part of their relationship was complicated by the pressures of parenting. "Robert was always ready to go, and we fell into this pattern of pursue and withdraw, pursue and withdraw." "Everything had to be perfect or I couldn't get into it," says Elizabeth. "In just about every way, we had a standard heterosexual husband/wife relationship," says Elizabeth, and that included a fairly standard-even cliché-conflict about sex. "Robert was wearing white pants and hoop earrings-Toronto in the '90s looked like the rest of the world did in the '80s." Elizabeth and I are sitting at the dining room table while Robert serves Elizabeth coffee. "We met at a party in Toronto in the late 1990s," says Elizabeth, when I ask about how they fell in love. Elizabeth is almost a foot shorter than her husband, with a hip, short-cropped haircut and dark, expressive eyes. He's a little over six feet tall, and his shaggy, dark hair obscures his arty glasses. Robert calls out to Elizabeth, letting her know that they have company, and offers me a seat at the tiny dining room table. Robert and Elizabeth, his wife of a dozen years, have three: a 5-year-old daughter and two 7-year-old twin boys. I tell him that apologies aren't necessary: I remember how chaotic things are during the toddler years-and Terry and I had one child. And standing amid the toys, stuffed animals, and primary colors is a frazzled-looking dad. More evidence of small children lies just inside the tiny Wallingford bungalow. I have to step over a tricycle and a battered doll on my way to the front door. ![]()
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